Heart Over Head

Recently, I've witnessed a lot of coming out stories of domestic abuse and I have been envious on how much courage these women and men have shown– so here’s my story.

I was fourteen and I started seeing a guy who was three years older than me, now for most people that is a warning sign about the guy. Admittedly, Even I was sceptical about seeing someone older than me at that age. Mostly because we we’re at very different points in our life but nonetheless I got into that relationship thinking that I was mature enough to handle it but it turns out I wasn’t.

Now, I feel like a total cliché. Have you heard how this goes? Long story short. Younger naïve Girl and Older manipulative boy does not mix well. The first three months of the relationship was amazing. I felt happy, then things turned dark pretty quickly.

See, if you meet this guy. You wouldn’t think he would even be capable of harming a fly. He puts on this persona where he’s a bubbly, kind man. Obviously, I fell for it. And for anyone who I know reading this, I am still terrified that you wouldn’t believe it.

Four months in to the relationship, he crossed a boundary which should have been my warning sign to get out of the relationship. I should have left then, but I didn’t. It was my own fault. Or was it? It’s easy for someone who hasn’t been in the position to sit there and judge – but when you love someone or at least you think you do. You forgive and make idiotic mistakes. You hope that things will be different but you also feel responsible for the other person’s actions. You feel like you are to blame.

After a year of being with him, he said he had depression which is why he has been acting off. Now something I have learnt is that even when you have depression – you do not use your depression to act like an utter asshole to anyone especially to someone you are supposedly be in-love with. So when he was being aggressive, it was due to his ‘depression’ and the fact I was ‘putting’ him into a state. I was to blame, so I felt the constant need to try and make him happy but most of the time I felt threatened that he would do something silly if I had left him.

Majority of the time, I began to feel humiliated. He told random girls that I was a psycho (maybe I am now adding evidence for writing this post in his eyes – but this is about raising awareness not an excuse for me to ‘play the victim’). I found out he cheated on me (let me guess I should of left then? But nope) and it tore down any self-confidence I had in myself which as you can tell I had low self-esteem otherwise I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship for as long as I did. He used to make comments about my body (negative ones), he compared me to other girls, asking me to be more like "her" or "her" and I didn’t feel good enough.  I just believed all his criticism but now when I look back at it, if I was really that bad why would he have even wanted to be with me? It was just away to make me feel trapped. I honestly thought that I was the 'lucky' one to have someone to want me.

In my relationship, I didn’t realise it was classed as being ‘abusive’. I thought it was normal. I thought that his possessiveness was just a sign of his passion and I felt that I needed him. If you are reading this and you feel that your partner isn’t treating you right or that something is missing or odd. Please, I encourage you to talk to someone. I took it for more than two years, many men and women have taking it for a lot longer. But you don’t deserve it- nobody does and no matter how much you believe you do. Do not be with someone who possess, intimates and threatens you. Be happy with yourself first, than be with someone who doesn't treat you right. Then when you do eventually find someone, they will treat you how you should be treated. Now I know it's hard to ignore what your heart says, trust me I wouldn't do it for so long. But at the time the relationship was hard to leave but I did it and it was one of the best things I have ever done.