January Favourites | 2016 ❤

Hi guys, So I've been really rubbish with my posting lately - It's been a month and so now February has arrived and my lack of posting this month has been horrendous! So what did I think was a good idea to try and redeem myself? Oh and does it continue on from my last post? Hell yeah it does. So what does it include? To update you with my beauty habits and what I was really pleased with this past month! ❤ 

1. L'oreal Paris Infallible Matte Foundation:

Before using this, I was originally wearing 'Rimmel True Match Foundation' which is great for a sort of base but it didn't really give me that great of coverage and considering it was January and exams were popping up everywhere well so was my spots which actually made me stress then created more spots! So, I asked a really good friend of mine what foundation she started using or any recommendation, so she recommended me this and I can honestly say, Hand on Heart this has been the best foundation (for me personally) to get an almost identical match to my skin colour (I use Number 120) and to actually cover my spots and the best part about it, it's that it spreads so easily - you can buy this product for roughly seven to eight pounds! 

2. MUA Elysium Elements: 

Considering this is a product which I bought on a whim (not something I do majority of the time) but in the January Sale it went from £8 to £4 and I cannot resist a bargain, I was so attracted to the colours that I just could not say no and I'm so pleased that I didn't. I absolutely adore the colour of the shades - so neutral and down to earth colours. However, when I bought the product I had no prior knowledge about it, So when I went home I tried to find Youtube videos on eye-make up using this Palette, Sadly I didn't find much, Although I did find a video saying how this can be sort of used as a dupe for the 'Naked Eye Palette 3'. Also, I love the pencil Eyeliners which came with it - they actually stay on my waterline, so that's a plus! 

3. I Heart Makeup Blushing Hearts, Blusher:

 Now, before this I have never been one to wear Blusher - I usually have enough colour in my cheeks to last me and admittedly, I was originally attracted to it's packaging, look how small and cute it is, I adore it! But since it's been January, my skin has been looking a lot less lively and the colours of my face has been well sort of disappearing up until I started using this product! I love the colours it brings to my cheeks and it's just a nice subtle colouring in my opinion, also did I mention it cost under 5 pounds? Oh and that I think the packaging is awesome? 

4. Sleek Eyebrow Pencil:

Up until a month ago, I had no idea how to even shape and draw my eyebrows on properly (even now I'm not 100% sure I know to now) but after talking to my housemate about how I wanted to start filling in my eyebrows more and adding shape to them, She recommended this, So I went to Superdrug the next day and purchased this item. At first I was umming and arring about what shade to get, so in the end I ended up getting a medium - This turned out to be one of the best decisions I've made or maybe you could argue the worst because now I cannot go a day without drawing my eyebrows on - it has a brush and you can shape your eyebrows this way - depending on where you can usually buy this for roughly £3 and it's totally worth the investment! 

Today, I listened To The Internet…

If any of you know me or follow me on Twitter then you are well aware that I hate being girly and one thing which I am incredibly bad at doing is putting on make-up and being in fashion. It’s not that I find anything wrong with being all girly is just that I majorly suck at it. You see, my mum was not particularly interested in make-up or clothes and I guess that rubbed on to me. However, since coming to uni and constantly being around pretty girls and having best friends which are MUA artist and I can barely just put eyeshadow on, it got me thinking how would I fit in according to the internet?

My Face Shape:

The first thing I needed to do was find out my face shape. Now I personally found it difficult to just look at a picture and think ‘oo that’s my face shape’ (even though I tried). In the end I googled ‘How to find out your face shape’ So I clicked on videos and I found out using this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MOSyD1iHz4 ) That I was a heart shape face... So what did that exactly mean? Well it turns out finding out your face shape helps determine which hairstyle suits you, how to contour your face (where to highlight and darken) and also what shape eyebrows are meant to go with your face.. What a delight.

Hairstyles included:-

o   Long Bangs to draw focus away from the chin

o   ‘The Lob’ – which should help soften the jawline

o   Deep Side Part – I’m not 100% sure why but google told me so..  And there were so many many more!

Contouring Chart:-

So as you can see for me, I would have to put the shadow around the edges of my face and highlight my chin and forehead and then blend it for the best result for my face shape.

Eyebrow Chart:

Looking at this particular chart for my eyebrows, they look like semi circles to me! So I’ll be drawing my semi circles on my heart shaped face! Jeez and to think I found all this out just by finding out my face shape! Now let’s take a look on what I have to learn and do for my eyes!

My Eye Shape:

According to vogue magazine, the way in which your eye is shaped should control the way you do your eye makeup. Now when I googled images on eye shapes I literally could not tell the difference between them all.

So youtube, (you little star) was my next bet and there were tons of videos on how to find out your eye shape but even then I got confused – so in the end I asked a friend too look and tell me what shape eye was I? Turns out I have a ‘deep set’ eyes

...

GREAT... UH SO What does that mean precisely? So after watching loads of videos (and I mean loads) I basically learnt a couple of eye makeup tips:-

1)      I need to conceal those dark circles under my eyes!

2)      Then I need to apply the lightest shade all over my eyelids – it makes my eyes look brighter and also covers the ‘deepness’ of my eyes!

3)    This one is apparently the most important – put the medium shade colour inside the corner of the eye – this draws attention to my eye colour and not how deep they are!

4)      And then on the outside corners apply a dark colour.

5)      Oh if my eyebrows aren’t on my ‘A’ game then doing my eye makeup is pointless- thank god I found out how to do this along with my face shape – crisis averted

6)      Eyeliner – apparently overloading my eyes with it will make them look small, so the best thing to do is apply a thin amount and then slightly thicken on the outer corner and to also apply it on the waterline to make it really pop!

7)      Never ever ever ever darken the crease

8)      Draw attention somewhere else – such as your lips!

9)      False eyelashes are basically essential to carrying on with the day – unless if you’re unlike me and have naturally long eyelashes which putting mascara on them makes them look amazing!

10)   Lastly, apply light bright colours.

So here’s a picture of my face with my fatal attempt of styling my hair, eyebrows and contouring for a heart shaped face and also an attemption of the right makeup according to the ‘experts’:

Contour: Collection 

Hair: flicking in towards my hair 'not to emphasis my jawline'

Eyes: Thin Eyeliner, Mascara and Light Eyeshadow - Red lips to draw attention away from eyes

My Body Shape:

So the next and last thing I could be bothered to learn was about my body shape. So using the body shape calculator, I learned that I was a ‘pear’ shaped girl which means that my hips are bigger than my bust.

 So, being the amazing researcher I am..Once again I found out how I am supposed to dress according to my shape. According to ‘Shopyoutshape’ I should try and create the illusion that I have a bigger (upper waist) and to make it look like I have a smaller..bottom half shall I say? That way I can balance my body out to fit the ‘perfect body’ stereotype.

Top tips for how Pear shaped women should dress include:-

•   Wear tops with fitted wasted
•   Bright colours and Bold Pattern tops
•   Dark colours on bottoms
•   Avoid bold trousers or skirts – stick to plane
•   V or U neck tops
•   Straight Jeans or A-Line Skirts
•   Off the shoulder tops

And then here is my attemption of me conforming to the internet’s advice: 

So here:bright colour top which is tight in waist and off the shoulder and a dark skirt. 

I really hope this has helped any girl to find the best way for you..

My Pay Day Wish List:

As many of you may know by now I’m a student and even though I have a job which I do love doing, sadly, just as the case of many other students... My student loan just about pay my rent and doesn't pay for my food or my 'party' lifestyle. So my earnings have to go on practical things (*cry cry*) such as food and toilet paper. So what would I buy if I could just spend them on what I want?

Reading festival ticket: (£210) Have you seen how insane this year’s line-up is? And that's only a small fraction of it! Plus, I have actually never been to a festival and I feel like I need to go to one soon, so I mean do you really blame me for wanting to go? Sadly.. I will never be able to afford it on my wages.

Naked 2 Palette: (£38) Just look how beautiful the colours are and I have been itching to buy one of these for over a year. I always think ‘Maybe one day I’ll pluck up the courage and buy one’ but I never do. Maybe one day eh?

Mac Lipstick – Ruby Woo : (£15.50) In all honesty I was never originally a fan off Mac Lipstick, I thought it was over-hyped until about August when one of my work colleagues was obsessed with Mac Lipsticks. It made me second guess them and seeing how gorgeous the colour was and how it lasted her the whole shift, well fair to say it made me a teeny wee bit jealous and who doesn’t love wearing bright red lipstick on a night out?

Spa Day- (£70): Which includes a choice of any one hour spa treatment – a heated outdoor pool! A sauna. A steam room, Hot tub and two course meals (however is a set menu.. but you do get a glass of Prosecco… interesting). I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s still feeling the stress of Christmas time and plus for any students with exams around the corner, this just seems like a perfect way to relax but instead I’ll probably spend about £20 on a night out in Bristol getting way too drunk trying to forget about the worries of being a student.

Green Harrington Jacket (£40): It’s a bit of an odd one, most people tend to go for the black or the navy one but I absolutely adore this green jacket and and and and and… IT’S VINTAGE!

And Lastly, Pandora Ring (£70): It’s a bit of a soppy reason why I want this particular ring but my nan had this weird strange obsession with butterflies, literally everything she owned followed that pattern (butterfly towels, broaches etc.) And just look how beautiful and how delicate the ring actually is. It’s so petite and maybe one day I will buy it, but who knows?

So if anyone has an extra £443.50 and were willing to share, that would be great! Unfortunately I guess for now, I will have to keep on wishing :( .

Dealing With A Break Up

So we’ve all been there where we’ve had our heartbroken. When the relationship where you thought you’d be together forever or a lot longer than what you did at least! And hey, it’s pretty sucky when it ends.

Recently, one of my close friends has lost his girlfriend after a few years and all he has done is asked ‘How do you get over it as soon as possible?’ and well I guess there is no real answer to this question.. Time is a healer but there are so many ways to deal with it.

The way I deal with it, will not help everyone – but hey ho it may help someone!

Firstly I get angry, I get mad that I wasted so much time on one human being (this may not be the healthiest start but it’s an initial reaction which I can’t help. And it’s ok to get mad) then I cry and reflect on the good things. Stupid stuff about how we first met, when we first kissed etc.

Then I get hurt – some people may write a list, some people may write a diary – I personally create a mind map of everything, everything which hurt and everything which was good and then I rip it up. I accept that it’s over and that it’s gone – and as sad as that is I move on.

I then block the person (this isn’t a fixed thing normally). It all depends why we broke up. But I avoid speaking to the person until I’m ready- It’s better to keep a distance. I spend most of my alone time mailing my friends about my love for food or just send ugly snapchats to my friends, then eventually I leave my house and socialise – Although sometimes I may just watch romcoms and eat Ben and Jerry's.

My recommendation is after a relationship don’t go out and get drunk to not think about it because at 2am you’ll end up ringing the idiot asking where it all went wrong. (I have seen way to many of my friends do this- and sleeping with a random stranger doesn’t help either – So I have been told anyway)

Then after a while, accept that you two won’t get back together and that is ok. Because for a short while – you were happy and so was the other person and sometimes some people never get to be that happy. Then appreciate all the good times you had together but don’t go back. You ended for a reason. But it’s ok to be sad,angry and hurt but you have to allow yourself to move on to be happy. 

20 Reasons Why ENFP Sucks

Have you ever wondered who you are? Recently, I’ve been feeling confused about life (happy thoughts I know) and I found it extremely difficult to know who I was without my labels. It’s been like I’ve been living the past few months in a trance. 

So I ended up spending my night on a personality test – now yes I am aware this doesn’t give me a whole load of answers but it definitely made me feel better, I’m not saying I now know who I am but I feel like there’s an explanation or some kind of understanding I now have with myself.

 Carl Jung created a theory about personality and there are 16 different types –  The first condition being Extraversion vs Introversion, the second is Sensing vs Intuition, the third is Thinking vs Feeling and lastly, Judging vs Perceiving.  In this psychological test I scored a ENFP characteristic trait.

So what does that mean? – Extraversion –Engaging with people, Intuition – perceiving new potential, Feelings – making choices based on my subject values/core beliefs and perception – which means I have a flexible life style (apparently). According to Wikipedia, characteristics with this personality trait such as being curious, easily bored, spontaneous, risk-takers, understanding and very emotional. 

Which does sound like me, then I read more about what I’m “supposedly” like in a relationship and what I’m like in a job and how I handle stress and so on.

I can tell you, there are so many advantages of having a ENFP personality trait but I am going to list you 20 reasons why it also sucks:

1.        Having so many theories and idea’s and plans which you never follow through cause you’re completely unorganised!
2.        Wanting to experience everything but being so impatient you just want to do it immediately
3.        Never being 100% happy with everything because you keep contradicting yourself
4.        Utterly  freaking out your friends and family because of how much you stress when things don’t match up to the plan in your head
5.        People constantly accusing you of flirting
6.        Shocking people about how strong your beliefs are because majority of time you are easy going
7.        Getting bored 1000000000 times quicker than the average human being
8.        Constantly sticking with bad relationships (not just partners) because you can see how things COULD be and you focus on that and not really focus on what things are like in reality
9.        Forever forgetting to eat or get the right amount of sleep because eh who cares about your physical needs?
10.   Wanting to be in social situations and meet people but also being very socially conscious!
11.    For always working towards the goal of the ‘ideal self’ and not just being happy with who you are right this instant
12.    Frequently being so impatient that if the bus is two minutes late then uh-oh!
13.   Needing more alone time compared to other Extroverts but then getting bored after so much time
14.     Being more than happy to get into a long distance relationship because the idea of the concept of love but not looking at the long term goal in things – so tends to go south!
15.      When you’re relationship goes wrong, you forget that it’s a mutual thing and you tend to keep questioning why things went wrong and what would happen differently!
16. Being accused that you're on drugs when you're not!
17. Talking to yourself out loud because there is so much going on in your head you need to separate it.
18. 99.99999% of the time you hate being told what to do!
19. During some point in the week, you forget all social media/networks/mobile phones and switch of from the world. Sometimes you may not text anyone back for a few days! 
20.    You hate being criticized and cannot stand it if someone else is being criticising to another person

Cheers Amiga

I’m not the type of person to admit my feelings, like feelings are yucky. But lately, I’ve been feeling rather low and isolated and just been rubbish to be around. Sometimes when I get like that (well I’m sure we all feel like that sometimes)  I just feel like I annoy people, so I stop contact with people mostly cause I just feel annoying to be around or I like to see who actually cares and will bother to text or message me. Anyway, the past few days even when shit was going on something pretty sweet happened which made me not want to give up on humanity.

I received a DM of one of my twitter followers and it honestly made my day when I read what was said. I felt like crap and the fact that someone took the time out of the day to send this to me:-

Maybe it sounds dull that someone who I don't know manage to make my day go from a zero to a ten. But it was definitely needed, so to the person who messaged me this. Thank you so so so much for taking time out of your day to make sure I was ok and to tell me that I am important. Thank you for paying attention to a tweet which I didn't think anyone would even care about. And thank you for being a kind person and saying something and making me feel worth something again. - He/She was totally write though, I so would of kicked off about those memes! 

The Calm App

You may or may have not heard of it, but it’s an app you can download on your smart/ IPhone which teaches you how to clear your mind through meditation- which I think is pretty cool. So when you first register, you receive four different scenes. Personally, I choose the beach one mostly because going to the beach is one of my favourite things and plus the rain sound one just made me want to go to the toilet loads.  However there are twenty-three different scenes you can download as well.

 Anyway, I'm only doing the first the first 21 days because after that you have to start paying roughly £7.00 a month and even though I think the app is good – I do not want to pay that much however the benefits does seem lovely.  (Mediations specifically for things like deep sleep or confidence or even compassion.) Although on the 21 days programme it does give me an alarm to do my two minute sessions which I think is useful because I am rubbish at remembering things!

Now what does calm even do? Well you can Select between a 2, 10, or 20 minute periods and A speaker then walks you through getting comfortable by telling you to close your eyes, relax your shoulders, focus on your chest, notice sensation and to concentrate on your breathing – it use to make me feel dizzy at first but the more I did it, the better it got; also it tells you off when your mind starts wondering! I kid, it just tells you its ok and to focus back on your breathing and to let those thoughts float away!

Benefits of calm for me personally? So far, I feel less stressed and my concentration has improved. Since doing this, I stop panicking about the little things as much and letting my mind wonder in to dangerous territory – and the way I think about other people’s opinions… Well yeah that’s changed too. However, these weren't drastic change and they have taken time. So my recommendation is that you download this app for the free part – I have been told there is not much difference when you pay but it’s definitely worth ago!

It's 3am: So Let's Answer Some Questions!

1. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? I have been called that yes by a few guys and girls however they were probably saying it too about 20 other girls so you know
2. What song is stuck in your head? Are you with me and Cheerleader 
3.  Wanna have kids before you're 30? I honestly have no idea anymore, the thought of having a baby absolutely terrifies me and I want to travel the world but if I can do all that before thirty then maybe but I can't see that happening.
4.  Name something you have to do tomorrow? Go to Cardiff in the evening
5. Can you whistle? Unfortunately no, my many attempts of wolf whistling has failed immensely 
6.  Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back? My side
7.  Are your eyes the same colour as your mom's or dad's? My Mums mainly but I have heard that sometimes they can look like my dads and considering he has green eyes and I have blue eyes, well that is crazy.
8.  Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes
9.  Do you smile a lot? I use too so much when I was younger, I try to now but I think my face mostly looks miserable so no.
10.  Are you happy with your life? I know that my life could be worse than what it is but nope, I have too many dreams and goals to try and achieve before I will be happy with it.
11. Can you handle the truth? When people actually tell me the truth then yes, If I find out of other people then no.
12.  Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday? My sleep is more up and down than a kangaroo on a trampoline, somedays I can get 12 hours and the next I can get 3 
13. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Eating chocolate
14. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? Aaron
15.  Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, just last month I had purple hair!
16. Are you an emotional person? Well you know, I am a Cancer...  
17.  What's something that can always make you feel better? I want to be sarcastic and say drugs but I know not everyone would find that amusing, probably my dogs..how sad really
18.  Look behind you, what do you see? A white wall
19.  Any summer plans for 2015? I have pride if that counts as something?
20.  What was the last thing you drank? Water
21.  What did you do last night? I went to a spiritualist, Had a message of my dead nan so you know the usual stuff really.
22.  Who was the last person to text you? George
23. How many pillows do you normally sleep with? One
24.  What kind of music do you listen to? A variety
25.  Have you ever been in a car, that was not family? Yes!
26.  Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? I have indeed and then I ended up hating them again
27. When was the last time you flew in a plane? Last Summer
28.  Are you a bad influence? I have been told that I am but I can't be that bad?
29.  Ever slapped a guy in the face? Maybe you should talk to my ex's .. 
30. Has someone ever given you roses? Yes
31. Does anyone hate you? I wouldn't be shocked if they did
32. Do you think two people can be in love with each other forever? Forever is an awfully long time, can I argue that they would probably love each other for the rest of their life? I don't think that feeling you had for that person would truly go away no.
33.  Would you ever get a tattoo? Yes, I want so many!!!!!
34. Are you comfortable with your height? Not at all, I would love to be taller. I mean I struggle to see things all the time because of it.
35. What do you say during awkward silences? "So....."

A Guide To Spot A Cheater

Do you ever sometimes sit back and consider the past? And think what the hell was I doing and why do I let people make me feel a certain way? Most of you who don’t know me – or at least not very well will know I am an absolute sucker when it comes to having a happy ending. 

Or I try to be one of these girls but time after time after time I start seeing guys and well put it nicely they’ve all cheated on me (boohoo I’m over that part). Now thinking about it the signs are all there and let me share what I’ve learnt to pick up certain characteristics of a cheater! (Not all will apply but this is just the common things I have noticed in my involvements:-

1.       They tend to not care about your feelings and will give you vague answers to your questions. For example, “what have you been up too today?” “Ah nothing”

2.       Usually they are secretive about what they are doing and how they are spending their time etc.

3.       Do they text or call anyone in front of you? Where you can see their screens? – THIS ISN'T necessarily a huge sign and I respect privacy but if they walk away from you or only open their text’s in the bathroom then yeah.. ask..

4.       Most likely they will tell you what you want to hear – false promises the lot! “I’m only seeing you” or “I’ll buy you that”

5.       If they've cheated in their past relationships – uhh very likely they will cheat again. My advice,

RUN.

6.       Have you met their friends? Yeah.. almost certainly if they were serious with you and not meeting any other people they’d show you off to their friends (unless there is a genuine reason)

7.       Cheaters tend to be well groom: all of my ex’s have been obsessed with how their hair looks! One generally used more hair spray than me

8.       Presumably they we’re already in another relationship when they started texting/talking/dating you. You we’re probably unaware but if you ever find this out once again my advice to you is to

GET OUT OF THERE.

9.       You feel as though they are hiding something – you can't explain it and you are just probably being paranoid right? If you feel that way – ask. You will know from their response if they are lying or not just by facial expression.. 

But there must have been a reason why you clicked on this post eh?

I am aware that all of these can be common, and some sound silly but these are just characteristics which I noticed between my ex’s, if you've got more than four then maybe it’s time you and your partner had a chat. 

To the Guy who shouts "Gay Tw*t"

If any of you know me or anything about me you may be aware that a lot of my best friends are either bi or gay, we are in the year 2015 and my best friends still get grief for the sexuality receiving comments such as “you are a gay twat” or “your kind disgust me”. 

Heck, the other day some boys was giving my friend hate for their sexuality and in the end I turned around and said my best friend was my boyfriend – Like my best friend had to feel ashamed for his identity and hide it just to get some peace to walk down the street! 

My other best friend who is a lesbian -  tends to get " Hey, you're too pretty to be a lesbian" like what?

Now I am aware that not everyone is accepting, I am aware people feel disgusted in the idea of two sex’s being with each other whether its cultural views or religious views but I am also aware that people who read this will also think “What on earth? How can people be so cruel, that is so sad?”

Which I do agree with, I don’t understand why people need to voice so negative opinions. 


Now, for people who are reading this and are homophobic – I am not ranting at you for being bad people or whatever, you have every right to your opinion and just because it doesn’t collaborate with mine doesn’t necessarily mean that I think your horrible, think what you want to think BUT to make a human being feel shit for something is a part of them, well it’s wrong - verbalising your hatred is something entirely different. 


If you we’re made to be felt shit by something you are (whether it be skin colour or eye colour or even if you had a physical or mental illness) and you we’re being made to feel like walking down the street was actually a hassle because of it, then wouldn’t you feel like absolute rubbish? – Hey some people totally rock the hate they get and that’s pretty cool but doesn’t mean they should still get it.

If you know this about me, then I study psychology and sociology and I needed to find out why people are homophobic. And if you haven’t heard of Freud, well my friend you are in for a treat! If you have ever heard of Oedipus complex or the Greek Myth then you may see where this is going. However, if you don’t this is just a simple explanation of his theory – Freud believed that as a child there are five stages for your personality to develop all depending on your age is depending on each stage. The stages are in ascending order: Oral, Anal, Philliac, Latency and Genital.


 If a child has too much or too little of a stage they become fixated – for example, the anal stage occurs when you are around 18 months to three years old if you have indulged then whilst you're an adult you become an anal retentive which featured characteristics such as wanting to have things immaculate. Anyway – Freud said at the Philiac stage boys develop unconscious sexual wishes for their mother, he then becomes rivals with his father and sees him as competition for the mother’s affection.


 During this time, boys also develop a fear that their father will punish them for these feelings, such as by castrating them. The boy then identifies with his father By and by doing so the boy develops masculine characteristics and identifies himself as a male, and represses his sexual feelings toward his mother. A fixation at this stage could result in sexual deviances (both overindulging and avoidance). 

Kuyper develops Freud's theory and says that homophobia is the result of the bits and pieces homosexuality in the heterosexual resolution of the oedipal conflict. Whereas these notions are vague, psychoanalytic theories usually postulate that homophobia is a result of repressed homosexual urges.

 However, they are unaware of the urges but they are conflicted which then explains the emotional malaise and irrational attitudes displayed by some individuals who feel guilty about their erotic interests and struggle to deny and repress homosexual impulses.

Whilst researching I found a study which absolutely fascinated me! It was done by Henry E. Adams, Lester W. Wright, Jr., and Bethany A. Lohr who wanted to know if Homophobia Associated With Homosexual Arousal. And what did they find? That non-homophobic people wasn't turned on by the gay porn however the homophobic ones were and showed a dramatic response verbally whilst watching it – obviously there may have been flaws in the study but come on that is pretty interesting! I recommend you give it a read when you have spare time on your hands! 

Now, for the idiot who gave abuse to my best friend for his sexuality – you may want to take a good look at your own life and realise why you had to say what you said and how horrible it is to make an individual feel that way. Maybe you are going through hell and back, I don’t know your life story but there was no need to take it out on my friend. Maybe you are struggling with yourself.


Once again I don’t know but think next time when you open your mouth how much it can affect someone. 

Heart Over Head

Recently, I've witnessed a lot of coming out stories of domestic abuse and I have been envious on how much courage these women and men have shown– so here’s my story.

I was fourteen and I started seeing a guy who was three years older than me, now for most people that is a warning sign about the guy. Admittedly, Even I was sceptical about seeing someone older than me at that age. Mostly because we we’re at very different points in our life but nonetheless I got into that relationship thinking that I was mature enough to handle it but it turns out I wasn’t.

Now, I feel like a total cliché. Have you heard how this goes? Long story short. Younger naïve Girl and Older manipulative boy does not mix well. The first three months of the relationship was amazing. I felt happy, then things turned dark pretty quickly.

See, if you meet this guy. You wouldn’t think he would even be capable of harming a fly. He puts on this persona where he’s a bubbly, kind man. Obviously, I fell for it. And for anyone who I know reading this, I am still terrified that you wouldn’t believe it.

Four months in to the relationship, he crossed a boundary which should have been my warning sign to get out of the relationship. I should have left then, but I didn’t. It was my own fault. Or was it? It’s easy for someone who hasn’t been in the position to sit there and judge – but when you love someone or at least you think you do. You forgive and make idiotic mistakes. You hope that things will be different but you also feel responsible for the other person’s actions. You feel like you are to blame.

After a year of being with him, he said he had depression which is why he has been acting off. Now something I have learnt is that even when you have depression – you do not use your depression to act like an utter asshole to anyone especially to someone you are supposedly be in-love with. So when he was being aggressive, it was due to his ‘depression’ and the fact I was ‘putting’ him into a state. I was to blame, so I felt the constant need to try and make him happy but most of the time I felt threatened that he would do something silly if I had left him.

Majority of the time, I began to feel humiliated. He told random girls that I was a psycho (maybe I am now adding evidence for writing this post in his eyes – but this is about raising awareness not an excuse for me to ‘play the victim’). I found out he cheated on me (let me guess I should of left then? But nope) and it tore down any self-confidence I had in myself which as you can tell I had low self-esteem otherwise I wouldn't have stayed in the relationship for as long as I did. He used to make comments about my body (negative ones), he compared me to other girls, asking me to be more like "her" or "her" and I didn’t feel good enough.  I just believed all his criticism but now when I look back at it, if I was really that bad why would he have even wanted to be with me? It was just away to make me feel trapped. I honestly thought that I was the 'lucky' one to have someone to want me.

In my relationship, I didn’t realise it was classed as being ‘abusive’. I thought it was normal. I thought that his possessiveness was just a sign of his passion and I felt that I needed him. If you are reading this and you feel that your partner isn’t treating you right or that something is missing or odd. Please, I encourage you to talk to someone. I took it for more than two years, many men and women have taking it for a lot longer. But you don’t deserve it- nobody does and no matter how much you believe you do. Do not be with someone who possess, intimates and threatens you. Be happy with yourself first, than be with someone who doesn't treat you right. Then when you do eventually find someone, they will treat you how you should be treated. Now I know it's hard to ignore what your heart says, trust me I wouldn't do it for so long. But at the time the relationship was hard to leave but I did it and it was one of the best things I have ever done.

My Weekend Consisted Of..

Last weekend, I finally watched 'Good Will Hunting' – If you haven't seen it before or heard of it, it stars Robin Williams and it’s about a boy who is a genius but with his background and other issues he doesn’t reach his potential and then a professor recognises it and then he has to go to counselling sessions once a week as part of the deal. If you haven't seen it. I do highly recommend it.

In the film, you see that previous counsellors before Robin Williams was sat with a suit  and tie and looking down on him, trying to find quick solutions for him to become “fixed”. Now personally for me, I saw similar behaviours in my counselling sessions. Now I'm not saying that when I turned up at their office that they we’re sat there with a shirt and tie on and they thought they had the answers but I definitely felt that they we’re judging me and we’re quite patronising.

When I first went to counselling, I kind of expected the American film version (or the Freudian way) where you just sit on the couch and rant about everything, however it was nothing like that. I went in and had to fill in some questionnaire about how I was feeling – then the counsellor. This women I have never met expected me to open up to her straight away. Bearing in mind I was sixteen and I didn’t really want to be there but I also wanted to get better so I tried to cooperate my very best.

Now In CBT the whole point of it was to try and change the way you think about yourself. One exercise I had to list 10 things which I liked about myself which for someone who didn’t like anything about herself it was rather hard. I understand what they we’re trying to achieve, but for me  I was lying through my teeth. It was easy to say “I think I have nice eyes” or “I’m funny” but I didn’t believe those words, I didn’t believe anything like that. If anything I came out of that session worse. Altogether, I've had three different counsellors which isn’t really that bad compared to other people I know and A lot of people said that counselling is just bullshit but I don’t believe that’s the case. Even though for me counselling use to make me more upset, I realised that it was a safe place for me.

But, like Robin Williams was in Good Will Hunting – You have to be more of our equal than thinking you are better. I've had counsellors who have rolled their eyes at me, asked me why I was crying, called me unstable and said some really unhelpful things. Now really they shouldn't have said those things but they did but to say to someone with depression to just cheer up or someone with anxiety is your just being shy is complete and utter horse poop. If it was as easy for someone with depression to just “be happy” don’t you think we would? It’s easy to say on the outside just to do something but no-one would choose to live this kind of life if we had the choice, Others may have it worse than us but that doesn't solve our own problems.